Yes, I am a recovering perfectionist. There, I said it.
Here’s the deal. It has long been a dream of mine to be able to spend a generous chunk of each year in Europe and this year marks the first year I have been able to make that happen in France, the country that has called to me the most.
I’ve intentionally grown my business to be location independent and sustainable from any place with a decent internet connection…and here I am at long last! It’s tremendously rewarding and I am still pinching myself to make sure it’s real! 🙂
Embarking on this endeavor of living and working from France for two entire months marks a huge step toward my dreams. It is amazing, beautiful and magical. Of that, there can be no doubt.
However, since I’ve arrived here I’ve also felt this underlying current of inner unrest and not quite being as at ease as I imagined I would be. Un petite malaise, if you will.
In true perfectionistic style, I fully expected to feel elated and bursting with energy. I envisioned myself effortlessly bounding from place to exciting place, seeing and drinking in everything this new locale has to offer with wild abandon. And while I am tickled pink to be exploring new things and am experiencing many truly beautiful moments, the other reality is that many days I’ve just felt like doing little to nothing and have at times found it quite draining to ’try’ to feel excited and energized when all my body wants to do is be still, rest and take stock of all the change that has lead me here.
All the while the perfectionist in my head chants loudly, “you’re in FRANCE forgodssake! Get out there and see it, DO something!”.
In addition, part of my desire while here has been to share my ongoing experience with you all – my tribe. I imagined myself blissfully sharing the exciting places I’m seeing and the beautiful setting I’m in, so light and happy with every post.
However, much of my time so far has felt somewhat unremarkable and – to that pesky perfectionist in my head – not-so-shareable. “This moment isn’t glamorous enough or exciting enough or…perfect enough to share” she’d say. Damn that little minx.
I didn’t feel confident to share what I’ve really been feeling, which is a little off, tired, ungrounded and unsure of my next steps. Insecure and even lonely at times. I am, after all, a stranger here. I am here on my own, no trusty partner or friend to buffer my solitude.
I’ve also gotten away from my morning practice of meditation and journalling for the past week. Ironic, since this is when I could’ve used it the most.
Well, that connection would not be ignored this morning and so I sat still at last and went deep. I let myself truly feel whatever came up without any judgment. I listened to my body, my heart and my soul. I communed with Spirit. I came home.
The understanding that came to me really sank in.
Without realizing, I’d been so focused on what I thought this trip “should” be about instead of simply what it IS, in every blessed, authentic moment. It is certainly about magic and beauty and living my dreams, yes…AND it is also about just BE-ing, and healing, anchoring new ways of being, letting go and starting over, resetting and finding myself anew.
It’s been largely about getting really comfortable with being highly uncomfortable.
All along I had been thinking this was a culmination of all I’ve done to get to this point when in actuality it feels more like a transit, an in-between time, like it’s the first wobbly stage of gestation where the new seedling is finding its place after the releasing of the old shell.
The reality is that when we step into bigger spaces, both literal and figurative, we agree to dance with discomfort. I had temporarily forgotten that essential tidbit until this morning.
In the months, weeks and days (even hours) leading up to this trip I intentionally did a lot of tearing down of old inner structures. I rewrote soul contracts, continued the process of grieving and burying a past relationship and said sayonara to many outdated ways of being.
Then I went even deeper and carefully pulled up the broken roots and discarded skins of what I had shed. In my wake I left behind mountains of the crushed rubble of that dismantling and the ashes of the things I’d finally had the courage to burn.
There is also this deep undercurrent of recalibration going on within me. It’s like I’ve gathered all the rubble, roots, skins and ashes to make a rich compost so something new can take root…IS taking root.
I am learning to just be with each moment, each in its gorgeous “perfect” imperfection and love myself through it all with wide open arms and adoring, sloppy kisses.
It’s the deep inner process, the unseen times when things are forming up that is the gold.
Even while the little seedling is visible bursting above ground, there is an entire wise and elaborate root structure forming up and growing deep in the rich darkness below, learning to draw nourishment, connecting to the earth and finding its new stability.
I am finding transformation has it’s own agenda, it’s own flow. It’s a wave we ride, not drive. And if we can truly surrender to this journey in each present moment, instead of being focussed on the future, the feeling of being carried is exhilarating and the views, stellar.
Right now may not “look” perfect, however, the truth is transformation takes time. It has its own rhythm and I’m willing to learn to dance with it.
Just like calling forth a brilliant brand, you must go deep first to find the essence.
You must build the inner structure before the outer.
It’s easy to get excited about the outer manifestation of our creation, but wisdom reminds us it is the brave, inner work that is the key to bringing that forth.
If uncovering the essence of your brand with me in France sounds like a dream come true, you are a leader with a spiritual foundation to your approach, and you’re ready to weave more of YOU into a brand that can truly lead in your industry, contact me and let’s talk. I have one space available in July!